.:.The past is causing me more pain then the present.:.
3:27 p.m. - 2003-10-22

I Feel

I have been thinking alot about my past recently. I miss the old times of just driving around carefree roaming from diner to diner. Why cant live be simple again? Back then all i had to worry about was if i had enough cancer sticks in my purse to smoke the rest of the night away. Good conversastion, some coffee, and smokes were all i needed back then. I miss my old friends. The memories haunt me every so often. i know that my life could never go back to how it was before i lost everything. I had great friends, I wish i could go back in time. My professor asked us a question last night that if we could change one thing that happened in our lives what would it be. I told him I wouldnt change a thing. Now thinking back on it I realize i would go back about 7 months to the time where i loved my life. I dont remember the last time i even went to a diner. I mean really really went to a diner. Not just to grab some food, but to spend the night bullshitting about stupid things, those things at the moment were my world. I almost feel the tears forming in my eyes as my mind travels back to those days. I miss them. I want everything to go back to then. If i had one wish, thats what it would be. I always thought that you go through things to make you stronger and thats what gives your stucture and makes you who you are. As i sit here im realizing thats a bunch of bullshit. I wish my words could say how sorry i am for all the pain i have caused certian people, im not all in the wrong though..pain has been caused to me. All that time I wanted to tell you how I felt...without everyones ears into our bussiness, without people directing the conversastion...pulling me one way, and pulling you the other. But there was no way I could utter any words of how i really felt, i was scared. I cannot fathom how hurt you felt. How much pain I have caused you. I know that is in the past, and i do not mean to cause anymore conflict between us by bringing this up, but this is just something that has been nawing away at me. Wether this phases you or not, or wether you care about me any more thats fine im not saying this to make you want to be my friend or anything else again, i know i cannot do that. I needed to speak freely and for once say whats really on my mind, instead of running around the issues. I know i am beyond too late. Im ok with that i guess...Im just remembering a time where i was happy in my life, I tried to remember a time where i was truly happy and carefree...and that time was with you.

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I believe in love, in arguing, in jamming out by yourself in the car. I believe in smiling till your cheeks hurt and laughing until you cry. I believe in having someone tell you you're beautiful, dancing in the rain, and miracles. I believe in second chances, even if you've completely screwed up. I understand that everything happens for a reason, and I embrace it. I respect those who treat me right, and ignore the ones who don't. I dress the way I want to, and say what is on my mind... if you have a problem with that, then don't talk to me.

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