.:.Sigh.:.
11:41 p.m. - 2003-10-06

It felt good to be honest with myself last night. Finally to write an entry that came from my heart, that i didnt have to think about. But i have come to the conclusion i must go back into my box. I wont write what is on my mind, for it hurts me even more. I wrote what was in my head...Someone got upset because of the fact that i will not get help. I do not understand why i need help. What i said were feelings and thoughts... i cannot make anyone understand what is in my head and why i think they way i do if i do not understand it myself. I do not know what to say anymore, im tired of having to walk on eggshells around everyone.

Can i try and explain...the one time i actually wrote about my disorder and really ment what came out of my head, i get told that i am doing this for attention or something to that effect...i dont get it.

I have never thought highly of myself, i have been dealing with COE way before i knew what it was. Ever since i could remember when my mother would hit me she would say something to the effect of my being fat...i would lock myself in the bathroom and try and make myself throw-up. I would get up at 5:45 in the morning while i was in middle school just to sneak down to Pathmark to buy candy and whathave you...and eat it in my room before anyone woke up. This is something i have come to deal with. Nobody can understand it unless they are going through it themselves. I am sorry that i do not feel the need i need help. I have been to hell and back during the past three weeks. And i have had to deal with it all on my own, which is fine..but has broken me even more. To be totally alone in the world is a scary thing. But whatever im not going to keep dragging this on...ill turn blue in the face.

How can one think that they are a great person when all the time they are growing up they get slapped across the face and told that they are fat or told "if you lose some weight Lisamarie you will have plenty of guys, the fact that you are overweight is why guys arent banging down the door to go out with you." ...my father said that to me awhile back...can you believe it? This is why i am the way i am.

I will make a promise though. If i do not get a little bit better by the beggining of next month i will talk to someone, i promise...please give me some time to sort out my life and all the shit that has been happening, and if i am not having everything under control by then, you have my word...thats all i can promise...i hope its good enough.

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I believe in love, in arguing, in jamming out by yourself in the car. I believe in smiling till your cheeks hurt and laughing until you cry. I believe in having someone tell you you're beautiful, dancing in the rain, and miracles. I believe in second chances, even if you've completely screwed up. I understand that everything happens for a reason, and I embrace it. I respect those who treat me right, and ignore the ones who don't. I dress the way I want to, and say what is on my mind... if you have a problem with that, then don't talk to me.

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