.:.I feel the need to get this off my chest.:.
1:54 a.m. - 2003-10-06
.:.I feel the need to get this off my chest.:.
1:54 a.m. - 2003-10-06
The emptyness that fills this air i breathe is cold. Every bodys faces seem to vanish as soon as i let on that there is something wrong with me. I wish i could slip away and lose this grip of sanity I hold so tightly. I look down wishing i could cut away pieces of myself, thinking the world would be a better place if i could lose 20 pounds. but then i soon realize the world does not, nor will it ever care about me. Im jst another puppet in a sideshow that nobody pays to see. The only way that they would see me, the only way they would care is if you were giving them the tickets for free. I know the truth. So you can take your mask off and show me who you really are, because i already know. You are pain, your are guilt, you are what i think about when i wake up...you are what i think about when i crawl into bed at night hoping it would be the last time i opened my eyes. You are my love, you are my hate...you are what causes me to break. I wish i could wake up and open my eyes with a new perception of the world, and wake up in someone elses body...someone thin with a perfect life. I want to feel the beauty of a body that i could proudly call my own, instead I hide myself under thick coats and long shirts, jeans, and sweat pants. I am afriad to eat, but i cannot help it. Things look fine on the outside. How can I have an eating disorder? I know i do not "fit" the mold of a girl who "should." There is something wrong that comes deep from within, that makes me want to eat a cucumber as my meal for the day, there is something deep from within that makes me stash food away and eat it alone when nobodys watching, there is something deep from within that has me lie to people telling them im doing all this food shopping for my mother and not for me to bring up to my room and binge like there is no tomorrow. There is something deep from within that tells me its okay to live on water and sugar free gum for the day. There is something deep from within that makes me look at thin women in this society and tells me i will soon look like them. There is something deep from within that i hate more then anything...that something...the thing that i am so afraid of...the thing that makes me feel that i no longer have control over myself, is my obsession. My obsession to be thin. thinner. thinnest. I wish i could cut away the pieces that i no longer want lingering around on me anymore. How i wish it were that easy. But its not. You have no idea, what its like do you? You can sit there and raise an eyebrow when i talk about it, you can tell me that i need help, you can tell me i need to eat healthy and that will make me lose weight...what dont you understand? Why must you make me feel like a monkey in a cage for everyone to point at. I am not weird because of my problem. I am just like you. The different thing is that i admit i have a disorder. I know there is something that is not like everyone else. I cant stop it or change it...its there and it always will be. Im not asking you to get me out of this hole that i have found myself in, trying to jump and scream to get myself out of. Nobody could hear me scream if they tried, they are too busy telling me to eat healthy..and if i did "this" or "that" i would be fine. you have no idea what its like, so stop pretending.
This air i breathe is cold; but the pain inside my soul is colder.
The Girl
Loves
Hates
Users.Cheaters.Fakes.
Limabeans.
Politics.Spiders.
feeling:
