soulsearching

Ok i write about my eating in "Pieces of Me" but im too damn tired to go and update it.

Can I just say this FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!

When I eat i gain weight...i was doing so good staying under 200 cals i was losing a pound a day...it felt so great. The "normal" person is supposed to eat 1,000 cals or more a day and i wasnt even eating 300.

But then I was getting sick...

nobody really fucking understands.. I have COE...Compulsive Eating Disorder which means i eat just to eat not when im hungry or anything...sometimes i eat the food so fast i cant even taste it. Then ill purge...nobody but my ana sisters understand.

Yeah Anthony , and AManda care about me...but they dont understand...and they never will...I appreciate them being there for me...I can talk to Amanda about it all..she knows all of this. The sick thing is that my views are so twisted on everything. Too keep me frome eating...ill put stuff on my food to make me not want to eat it.. i was eating veggitable thins...which are these crackers...i started eating them and eating them..i got so disgusted with myself i went upstairs poured them in a plastic bag and poured soy sauce all over them. It also helps that i say "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" I have tons of thinspriation pics of me in my room and everywhere. Im just a mess. Im saying this to let off some steam. Please dont judge me. Im just sick and tired of all of this. And all this stress with my friends isnt helping. Now my brother isnt home and its 12am he hasnt called and i need my sleep i have work in 7 hours and i got 2 hours sleep last night....and i need to stay up until he gets home. Im the mom for the week. Me and Steve are hanging out this week. A hotel was mentioned. Oh Lord.

God im going to smoke a cigg....i just want to crawl up in a corner and stay there until my life is good again.

"I saw myself touch your face and I noticed jets begin to race above our heads.

But I pinched my arm and remembered how much you hate me.

I remembered the fact that I can't see what you need

and I'm too stupid to be aware of the beauty that you give this place...."

**************************

"This is the last time I'll try to reach you

and my guess is, you'll just ignore me.

Without a passing glance

without the slightest sigh

without moving your hands

without the softest cry."

***************************

"Im a hazard to myself...im my own worst enemy....I wanna be somebody else"

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The Girl

I believe in love, in arguing, in jamming out by yourself in the car. I believe in smiling till your cheeks hurt and laughing until you cry. I believe in having someone tell you you're beautiful, dancing in the rain, and miracles. I believe in second chances, even if you've completely screwed up. I understand that everything happens for a reason, and I embrace it. I respect those who treat me right, and ignore the ones who don't. I dress the way I want to, and say what is on my mind... if you have a problem with that, then don't talk to me.

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Friends.Long drives.Coffee.Parliment Light 100's.Red lipstick.My hotpink flats.Funky hair.Piercings.Tattoo's. Html.

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Users.Cheaters.Fakes. Limabeans. Politics.Spiders.

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The current mood of emogrl445 at www.imood.com